From the Convent to Motherhood: Where I am now.

From discerning religious life, to living in rural Germany for over a year, to marriage and motherhood and raising 4 little ones....how did I get here?

In this episode, I discuss my journey in recognizing that I was NOT actually being called to religious life, and how I pivoted in handling my mental health as I entered marriage and motherhood. 

You can find more about my work as a mental health coach and how you can work with me here:
www.mentalhealthforholiness.com

Transcript

We talked about my year in Germany living in the convent as a pre-postulant, meaning that I was very seriously discerning joining this religious group of sisters. But because of my diagnosis with bipolar 2 and just what that meant I really needed some extra one on one time to get my sleeping back in order, remind myself what living daily routine was like, getting my medicine figured out - so just a lot of basic human living stuff on top of preparing for what religious life would be like - the prayer life, the living in community,  living out the vows - poverty, chastity and obedience, - lots of obedience is very necessary.  So it was all in all a very transformative year and I consider it to really be one of the most merciful years of my life - it was very difficult - I mean it sounds romantic to go live in a foreign country in a convent for a year but anybody who has ever travelled to a foreign country - I mean it’s foreign.  But I loved how the sisters that lived with and who were in direct charge of my formation really took the diagnosis and kind of acted like it was no big deal - like hey, it’s life we all got stuff, and we all have to learn how to take our crosses and somehow someway still offer them to God by who we become with those experiences - how we choose to respond to those sufferings.  And I recognized that this approach to the bipolar, like “it doesn’t have to be a huge deal” as long as you stay on top of taking care of yourself and taking your medicine going through some therapy to learn how to rewire your brain and the way you talk to yourself - if you can do that you’ll be ok.  If you don’t do that then yes, it will super huge problematic deal, that will rule over your life.  So learn to master it so it doesn’t master you.  

     So I continued discerning religious life for another year and a half - I entered novitiate - I received a habit and a veil and a new name- I was Sr. Mary Grace for the last 9 months of my discernment.  And if I had to put discerning out of the convent in a nutshell - I basically realized that a) I wanted to run away from my previous life and my lack of control of it and craved order and simplicity and just to serve God and not be so distracted by anything else. b) I was really attracted to the apostolate and serving the world as a sister doctor - I thought that was awesome, I was attracted to a lot of the externals of the vocation, but in my canonical novitiate year when you really dive into what the vows are - these vows of poverty, chastity, obedience - vows to answer this objectively superior call to be on a completely different level of intimacy with the Lord - it didn’t sit well with me - and I couldn’t shake this huge desire to have be married and have a family, but there was of course now the issue of the bipolar - like well who’s going to marry me knowing that? Which I ultimately had to kind of give to God and go well “I guess you know”, and the biggest thing realizing that the Lord really wanted to give me a helper. I remember thinking “You don’t want me?” You don’t want me to have this intimacy with you? And I remember him answering of course I want you, I’m going to love you through your husband.  It’s just going to be a bit more tangible.  So I left the convent in March of 2013 and I met my future husband in December of 2013, and I’m fast forwarding now quite a bit, but we dated for 6 months and then I moved to be closer to him in northeast Iowa, we dated 6 more months, we got engaged, we were engaged for 6 months, and got married in June of 2015, had our first baby in July of 2016, and we now have four children - I have always stayed at home with them, but it was after I believe my second child was born, I distinctly remember sitting in our backyard, and just being overwhelmed with gratitude for this journey of healing of all that I had learned about rewiring my brain, and setting boundaries, and managing my mood.  Because at that point I had realized that in becoming a mother I needed those skills almost moreso than I did just because I had bipolar.  Like just realizing that what I learned and implemented was not just for people who have mood disorder or mental illness of that category.  But that I had actually just learned some really basic life skills that everyone really would benefit from, and I started seeing it more and more particularly around other mothers, other young mothers - just this kind of feeling like I don’t have any control over anything and I certainly don’t have control over myself - and it’s a terrible and hopeless place to be.  So recognizing what a gift what an absolutel gift that I had had in these experience with these sisters - how can I pay that forward - I can’t keep this to myself because there are so many women out there suffering and hating their lives, regardless of what it looks like on the outside - and as I saw mental illness if you will be normalized in a very a negative way - like well “You’re on antidepressant and you see a therapist - join the club - who isn’t?” That’s just normal now.  Depression is the new normal.  And just because something is prevalent doesn’t mean that we should accept that that’s just the way it is now, you know we shouldn’t take the rise of suicide as just kind of “that’s just normal now.”  If anything we should pondering what does this mean? What is the problem? What is the solution?  And it’s a complex topic because even though we can say it’s about mental health, or mental illness or managin moods or setting boundaries or taking care of yourself or how motherhood relates to all of those aspects - it’s a lot of asking What does this mean to be human? What does this mean to be a mother?  So much of my healing has come from this realization that I’m not a human doing and the goal of life isn’t necessarily just to have people like you and esteem you for all your accomplishments and personality traits.  And once you dig in to your thoughts and mindsets around doing the hard work behind managing your moods, and setting boundaries and taking care of yourself and all that, you run into those deep deep things about what does it mean that I am here on this earth? And what does it mean to be human, to be a mother, to be a wife - you’re ultimately asking who am I? And the more you get comfortable with not having a perfect answer to that question, but realizing the answer is a whole story and mysterious unfolding of events and God’s grace and providence, the more curiousity you have about asking the question - Who are you? Weather you’re asking that to God HImself or a saint, or your friend your sister, your next door neighbor.  Who are you? What’s your story?  And in that recognizing the immense worth that every human being has, not because of what they do necessarily or what accomplishments they have but who are you. That is something that I was quite uncomfortable with before, and not uncomfortable with now.  Because my goal isn’t impressing or preserving my reputation of what people think of me.  And that’s what I felt so much gratitutde for and how can I help others come to this same realization? So I like googled it and thought what would this be called and for lack of a better term - life coaching came up and so researched more and ended up going back to school getting my Masters in Psychology with Divine Mercy University which was so great, and getting certified as a coach, and coaching other moms and I loved it.  I’ve loved it so much.  I’ve done it privately since the begnning of 2020, and I’m about to start a group program for moms who are looking to bridge the gap between therapy and real life and really integrating the two and helping them keep accountable with taking care of themselves, but it’s been so fun to see how it’s evolved and been just such a gift of the HOly Spirit, particularly as I continue to grow in my own motherhood and learn from so many other people’s gifts and talents.  As far as my own mental health goes, I still see a therpist every month, I take Zoloft everyday - but that has been my only medicine that I’ve been on for the past 5 years - which is not typical for someone who has bipolar but it’s a medicine that I am comfortable with still being in childbearing years.  So I am really looking forward to exploring lots and lots of other topics with you in upcomng episodes of the podcast.  Some episode I’m currently working on are on alcohol and mental illness, the importance of sleep, the importance of having a daily rhythm, and other pillars that I consider to be very important when it comes to taking care of your mental health beyond medicine and therapy. I have some guests lined up who are going to come and tell their own story as it regards to their mental health and growth in holiness.  So I hope this has given you some food for thought and God bless your day.